This past weekend was so relaxing. I spent my time with friends doing absolutely nothing productive. And it was fabulous. I got several great books from dear people that I cannot wait to jump into. Much needed.

Then, Monday morning. Reality check.

It was just one of those days when all I could think was, "I just don't want to do this. Too much pressure. Too draining." I felt utterly helpless and as if this is just not what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord has a plan and a reason for this season, but right now, I'm not willing to even pretend that I kind of like it. I don't. This is so much harder than I ever dreamed.

I am completely overwhelmed with all of the expectations for what I should be teaching and accomplishing with these children. I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get through everything, especially with how much time is wasted by trying to get them to behave appropriately. Today we started a new management system, which I am hoping will help.

Anyway, I don't have any great, inspiring words to leave tonight. I'm just overwhelmed. And sick of this.

Week 4 of teaching recap

It has been a while. My apologies. As far as teaching goes, we have completed four weeks. I am sad to say that we have not learned nearly as much as I had dreamed and planned for. But, I can tell you that I am surviving, and all 33 of my students are still alive. Some days this week, I wasn't sure how they all made it out without injuries. I am still at a point where I don't know what to do or say to get them to behave or listen to me. I have tried being nice. I have tried being mean. All to no avail. I am told, "Well, they don't know your expectations. Be explicit." Ok, I will do that (as if I'm not already). I don't know another way to say "Keep your hands and feet to yourself. Do not touch anyone. Fold your eagle wings. Put your hands in your lap. Etc..." Somehow, in those little 5 year old minds, that all translates to poking, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shoving, tackling, choking, tripping, and kicking. REALLY?! It really is mind boggling to me. Enough venting.

On a brighter note, this past week really was great. Monday was awful. Tuesday, better. Wednesday, one of the best we have had. Thursday, took a couple steps backwards. Friday, another step forward. I mean, 2 good days in one week = spectacular!! The new kindergarten teacher FINALLY arrived on Friday (not her fault), and she worked in her room all day. She will finish preparing on Monday and take students on Tuesday this coming week. I swear when I saw her in the hallway Friday morning, she was like a beam of light. Totally kidding, but seriously. With fewer students in my class, I am really looking forward to getting some structures into place that will truly allow significant learning to happen. They can do it, and they need to in the most desperate way.

For now, please pray that fewer students in the room really does improve the management and class culture in such a way that we can start learning the things we need to learn to meet our semester goals. As wild as these children are, they really are precious. The more I get to know each of them as an individual, I love them more. They have such big stories, big personalities, and huge potential. I will leave you with a story that warmed my heart, yet gave my chills as I left school for the weekend. (We will call this student ID to protect his identity)



After singing our Friday song, ID: I did a good job today, huh, teacher?
Me: Yes, ID, you did much better today!
ID: Tomorrow I will earn orange. ** orange is the best color a child can get on my behavior plan. And yes, that is on purpose- go pokes :)
Me: Well, ID, we won't be at school tomorrow.... (I proceed to explain that on Saturday and Sunday, we stay at home). On Monday, we will all come back to school.
ID: I don't like to go home. I love school. Can we just stay at school?

My thoughts: He loves school. By the grace of God, I have done something right. He wants to be here. But even more, WHY doesn't he want to go home? Beating. Little food.

I'm begging you: PRAY.

Why am I a teacher?

So today was absolutely awful at school. I now have 31 children in my class with 2 special education children coming in 90 minutes a day. These children seriously do not listen to a word I say. I say sit down and they choose to run around the room. I tell them to turn their voices off and they start screaming. AM I SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE!?! I just do not get it. They are absolutely wild. We are in the middle of week 3 and we still cannot walk down the hall quietly. I have honestly tried everything I know. Any management tactics I have learned or used in the past do not work with these children. They are so defiant. So disrespectful. It is unbelievable. If another teacher walks in the room and tells them what to do, they just do it. Doesn't matter that I have been saying the same thing for 10 minutes. I mean really, I have no clue what to do with them.

Supposedly we are getting another kindergarten teacher, but we are waiting on the paperwork to go through with the district before she can start. My principal says hopefully by next week that will be in place. Then I would only have 20 kids plus the two extra. I think that will help. It better. Because at this point, I am questioning so many things. Why did I choose teaching? This is not what I had in mind. I would seriously give anything to be teaching in a school where the children are better behaved and actually care. I mean really, I don't want to be one of those people that wakes up every day and dreads going to work. I want to love what I do, and in the past, I have totally loved teaching. But right now, I'm not getting to teach. All I am doing is trying to get them to listen to me for 5 seconds and not kill each other.

Lord, please give me patience with these children as they learn how to behave. Give me the words to speak to them so that they understand what to do and why. Be with each child, calming their spirits that are assuredly shaken by the things they must endure in this life. Let my classroom be a safe haven in their lives. I ask that the new teacher arrives soon, and not only for my sanity but also for the sake of learning being able to finally happen. Help me wake up each morning with a fresh attitude, ready to start a new day-- knowing it can be better than the previous one. Help me to love those kids more than myself, whatever that may look like. --Amen.