2010: the year in review

• Nala turned 1 year old
• I turned 22
• Student taught in 1^st grade in Morrison
• spent spring break with some of my faves
• Met a precious new friend, Beth
• took fun senior pics
• Loved every second of Crossover events
• finished JB’s 2:2 study
• Graduated from college
• Went to the lake a couple times
• went to some fun weddings
• Spent 5 weeks in Phoenix, AZ for training

• Moved to Tulsa, OK with Christa
• Started my first teaching job
• Went to the Tulsa State Fair
• Took a lot of trips to Stillwater
• Threw an amazing party for TL’s 40th
• Watched some great Cowboy football- go pokes!
• Ran the relay in the Route 66 marathon
• Took a road trip to Vici, OK
• Finished my first semester of teaching kindergarten
• Sang again in the Countryside Christmas Musical
• Went skiing with the Lester’s in Breckenridge, CO
• Spent Christmas in WF with the family

It has really been a whirlwind of a year. So much happened. But, if I were to sum it up, I would have to say that most of all, it was a year of growth. I grew tremendously in my walk with the Lord through studies at Countryside and because of personal trials that came along. I had to "grow up" and become an adult with this whole graduating and getting a job thing. A couple relationships grew and changed in ways that still amaze and bless me to this day. So maybe that is what life is all about. Changing and growing and learning. I totally love it. I can look back on this year and know that I am not where I was. I am not who I was. God has some kind of greater purpose. I am so thankful that He loves me too much to let me remain the same, even for a year. Even when that means change, or pain. Praise You, Lord, for growth. You amaze me.

Ski trip 2010: epic success

This year we went to Breckenridge, and it was absolutely wonderful! There was a very different group from last year…very few of us. But, I totally loved it just as much! Following are reasons:

1. I I love skiing.

2 I I love Colorado.

3. I I love road trips.

4. I I dearly love the people I went with.

Sounds like a winner to me. After a long semester of transition, this trip was much needed, and although I was so tired after it, I was also rejuvenated. I don’t think I would really ever want to live in the mountains, just because to me it is such a vacation thing. I love that when I go to that part of the country, I can just sit and marvel at the beauty. I enjoy being able to fall in love with it and with our Lord every time. I am repeatedly amazed at how beautiful God made the mountains. I am also encouraged by how beautiful He made people, inside and out. Although we are all fallen people, God really made every person amazing in some way. For that reason, I cherish quality time and getting to see those glimpses of His character in my relationships with others.

Here are some pics to recap:

Tommie Lee and I have skied together the last two years and have a great time together!

Halle is such a precious blessing in my life! I am SO proud of her and Jevyn for dominating on their snowboards this year!!

Just a glimpse of the beauty that surrounded us!

JJ and I :)

One semester down

Well, I have finished teaching my first semester of kindergarten, and I have so many thoughts and feelings about it that I struggle to decide where to begin. It has been a whirlwind for sure. The last day of school before Christmas break was a long anticipated day, yet when it finally came and went, I literally drove away from my school with an uneasy feeling. Much thought to follow in the hour in the car I had ahead of me. I headed toward Stillwater where I would spend the evening with good friends and then get in a van to head to Colorado to go skiing. That is where I find myself today, sitting in a lovely condo in the mountains in beautiful Breckenridge, CO. I sit in front of the fire with tired legs after a day full of skiing, taking in the greatness of all that our God has created and loving watching how people are enjoying it. Whether they know it or not, they are a part of something huge...we all are. And in that, I see so much.

Am I making a difference in lives of my students? Do they know how much I love them? Have I taught them enough? Will they be ready for 1st grade in only a few more months? As I left school on Friday for our two week break, I felt uneasy. I have all these questions running through my mind. And honestly, I think I know the answer to the questions. We did what we needed to do. No, it was absolutely not perfect, but they learned, and I surely did. We made progress, but I think that I just felt funny about it because it was just not everything that I had ever hoped and dreamed. I am definitely relieved that one semester is done. There will certainly never be another like it. And in short, I'd say I am pleased.

Some lessons learned: be strict from day one, be consistent, have explicit expectations, procedures procedures procedures, plan plan plan, differentiate, movement, small groups.

So there it is. One semester down. Tired. Needing rest. Reflective. And in it all, I think about how God is working things out. He has this huge plan that is so much grander than anything I can think of. It's a truth that I must cling to. When the days are hard, I know I have to hold to the promise that God is always with me, working it out for good. There is purpose. My life is His. Whether I love where I am or not, I have to live as a servant of the Almighty King. And what better time of year than now to remember about living a life of surrender to the One who became flesh that He might save us. God found Mary faithful and used her to bring about the most amazing plan of all. May He also find me faithful, and find me fit to use even more to further His love in this world.

Let us all surrender our lives to the One who knows best, the One who will make something out of what we see as nothing, the One who turns hardship into victory, and the One who created the majestic mountains to let us see Him. Praise You, Lord, for You alone are worthy.

Pray, Wait, Trust

Well, it's been a while since I last wrote. Here is a quick update of my life:
- went to Wichita Falls and spent some time with loved ones
- went to Bedlam, the Cowboys lost :(
- still loving going to Countryside
- got cursed out by a student's parent
- said parent threatened to sue me for child neglect
- preparing for the Countryside Christmas musical!
- went to a precious Ladies Christmas Brunch
- took roadtrip to Vici, OK
- played racquetball for the first time in long time!
- hurt my back :(
- gearing up for the ski trip to Breckenridge!
- only 8 days of school left!!!

In the midst of it all, there have been some really hard days at school as well as in my personal life. I feel as though the Lord is really trying to teach me to wait and trust Him. There are things that I absolutely do not understand...things I wish were different...or easier. I find myself desiring things that aren't happening as quickly as I hoped, or maybe not at all. I don't understand why a lot happens just the way it does. I find myself questioning...looking for purpose in the current struggle. And you know, a verse that I think is often easily overlooked as cliche comes to mind with resounding clarity...Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."

So I am to trust, even when I don't understand why life happens the way it does. Not worrying, but trusting that God has a purpose. There is some reason. As we enter the Christmas season, I can't help but think about how confused Mary must have been at becoming pregnant as a virgin. How desperately she wanted answers...how she may have wanted her circumstance to be different. Yet she had to trust the Lord, not relying on what she understood of the situation. In the same way, I have to wait on the Lord's plan and trust. I have to live like I know that He is working all things out to accomplish His ultimate purpose.

Lord, during this season, may we really learn to trust You and You alone. Even though we may not understand the way life goes, let us live relying on the fact that You are Lord over all. May Christmas remind us that you have a plan that is beyond us. As we pray, teach us to wait on your answer, no matter what it may be. God, You are bigger and stronger than any of our struggles. Make Yourself known. Amen.

Thankful, part 2

Since part 1 was about specific people I am thankful for, I want to spend time reflecting on some other things in life that I am particularly taken by. Isn't it the little things that make the day-to-day something more marvelous?

- seasons: Fall is for sure my favorite. Yet when it is almost time for a season to change, I get so excited for the next one and seem to love it just as much as the previous one. I love that God made seasons for us.
- my church: I would not be where I am without my precious church. Love that body. I cherish the time I spend there and hope for it to never end!
- music: what a wonder! I seriously have music on ALL the time. I totally love it.
- my job: even though I complain about it, I really am thankful that I have a job, a chance to make a difference. I pray each day that I change at least 1 child's life.
- ice cream: I love it. It had to be on the list.
- Nala: she always loves me, and I love her back. I just adore my sweet little puppy and the entertainment she provides.
- quality conversations: I totally love talking to people and getting to know them better. Whether it is someone I have known forever or someone new, I love real conversation.
- emotions: a blessing and a curse. And yes, I am thankful for them. :)
- Oklahoma State/Stillwater: someone recently asked me why I chose to attend OSU, and my answer is still, "I don't know, God made me." It is simply where I was supposed to be. I believe that with all that I am. I love it. I always will.
- hugs: I just love that getting a hug from the right person makes you feel so great. I'm thankful for hugs!
-sports: they are entertainment. They are fun to participate in. They are good exercise. Thank God for sports!
-laughter: so good for the soul. that's all.
-relationship: we were made for it. I am thankful that, although relationships can definitely be trying, they can be such a beautiful thing.

God has given us SO MANY little things.

Thank you Lord for caring about us. As if You aren't enough, you give me the little things to delight in. You are so precious. Your love is so evident. Help me to see you every day in those things. You are the creator of all. You are beyond words and I love you.

Thankful, part 1

Well, with Thanksgiving approaching this week, I figured I'd write a "thankful" post or two. There are so many things to be thankful for... God has given me more than I deserve for sure. And even though life is rough in some ways right now, I know that God is working all things out for good. I'll spend this post sharing why I am thankful for specific people in my life (in no particular order :)

- Christa- what would I do if we weren't roommates? I'm thankful that I can come home to someone who will listen, laugh, cry, craft, rant, or eat Chilis with me. You make me funnier, and I love that. Thanks for being you.
- Beth- You have been more than a great friend. I love that we can talk about anything and fear no rejection. You have encouraged me and questioned me in ways that others did not. I love that we help each other grow in our walks with the Lord. I am so thankful for your sweet heart.
- Tommie Lee and JJ- where would I be without my precious Stillwater family? You guys have loved me and supported me. You have taught me more than you know. I love that you guys really show you care when you listen. I love that you make me feel like I matter. I love your children. I love being a part of your family. I am so thankful that you are in my life.
- Mom- I owe you so much. Literally. I am so thankful that we are friends. I love that you still answer the questions that I shouldn't still have to ask. I love that you always call me back. I love that you trust me, and I you. I love that you are right there any time I need you. Thanks for everything you do, I wish I told you more how much I appreciate you.
- Kristin- Where to even begin? For years we have been friends, and I love it. You add that extra little spice to my life that makes me a little less serious. I am so thankful that we can always have candid conversations. Thanks for being who you are in my life.
- Tammy- you are so precious. I love that when we get to see each other, it's as if we were never apart. I love that you never skirt around the truth. I love that your family treats me as their own. You have been such a huge part of my life for so many years and I will always be thankful for your friendship.
-Mamalu- you hold this special place in my heart that will never be replaced. I don't see you much, but when I do, it is undoubtedly always memorable. I love the woman that you are. Thank you for teaching and loving me. I am so thankful for you.

Of course, I am thankful for all the dear ones in my life as I know that the Lord has had our paths cross for a specific purpose. More thankfulness to come.... :)

For the Good

So I absolutely love this song by Shane and Shane. I feel like in many ways, it portrays where I am right now. Waiting, struggling...but praise be to the Lord, for He is working all things out. --- Romans 8:28

When darkness is surrounding me
by Your Spirit, Lord help me sing
that You are working all things out
Lord, I really need to hear you speak
Remind me in the waiting
that You are working all things out


For the good of those
who are called by You
for the good of those
who are in Love with You
That's why we sing


Holy God of light
I lay down my life
Holy is the Lord
Even in the storm be glorified


We like to take the blessing from You
Shall we not take the trouble too
You are working all things out
We like to take prosperity
Shall we not take the suffering
You are working all things out


Holy are you Lord
even in the storm
be glorified
Worthy of affection

Patience

Such a huge struggle. Spiritually and relationally hard.

Over the past week, I've been thinking a lot about patience, for several different reasons. As I was just catching up on some blogs, I came across a friend's post about patience. She had some great things to say, and honestly it was challenging to me. It reinforced some of the things I have been thinking about over the past week and was at the same time comforting to know I'm not the only one. What is it about never wanting to stand alone in a struggle?? I guess it has to do with something JB said in church this morning...how we were meant for relationship. We need each other to go through this life, to teach and learn from each other. Although my struggle differs slightly from this precious friend, some things she mentioned struck cords with me and urged me to go ahead and write. You can go here: http://exceedinglyabundantlyabove.blogspot.com/2010/11/patience.html to read her post. Thanks Beth :)

Oh, where to start on this grand topic? Well, my job. I'll start there. IT IS HARD. I do not plan to spend another entire post boring you with the grungy details of the daily life of a kindergarten teacher in the ghetto. My aim here is reveal my weakness. As this year has progressed, I have expected that these children would get a clue. Of how I expect them to behave. Of how humans behave. But, alas, they have not. My parents came for a quick classroom visit last week and were appalled by the behavior in my school. All of this to say, I have become SO impatient with these kids. There are days when I choose to let it all roll off my shoulders and laugh at them. But most days, I am entirely frustrated. I don't know what to do with this kind of defiance and outright disobedience. I find myself often becoming angry and short-tempered. May I please say- that is absolutely NOT the person or teacher I want to be. Colossians 3:12 resounds in my mind, and I think, "Wow, I'm totally failing at this when it comes to these kids." Paul writes, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Dear Lord, help me get a hold on just a pinch of this. I want to be understanding and love them. I want to teach them and make a difference, but I don't think I am doing any such thing.

Ok, now for the more personal side of patience that I am trying to figure out in this current season. I find myself often thinking that things that I want should be happening quicker in my life. In our culture, we see immediate gratification all over the place. Nobody waits for anything anymore. You want it, you get it. I see that being true materially as well as in relationships. Where I struggle is in thinking that if I were just in (--insert particular place--) or if God would just grant me (--insert particular desire--) then things would be so much better. But really, who am I to play the "if" game with God? I should be waiting on Him to bring about those things in HIS perfect timing, not mine. Why am I being so impatient with the things I want in this life? Is not the whole purpose of this life to honor the Lord and bring glory to His name? When did I become so self-consumed?

Wow. God is really doing something in this heart of mine. To love Him more and desire His fame more than my own wants. How do I let go of the things I want, WAIT on Him to bring about the things I actually need, and serve faithfully all the while? How do I let go without complaining? Without clinging? Without fear? Well, it's faith. I have to grab hold of the truths of God's promises. I have to.

HE WILL BE NO DISAPPOINTMENT. That I am convinced of.

Expectations

I feel like a huge theme of my life for the past little while has been expectations. In moving to Tulsa, and in going back to Stillwater often as I do, I realized pretty quickly that my expectations of other people needed some adjustment. This is definitely something I have grappled with before...trying to figure out how to just let things be and go with the flow...not take things personally and just truly cherish time that I get to spend with people. It has been a learning curve for sure, and honestly, something the Lord has grown me in tremendously. There are some relationships that God has blessed and have grown, and I am so thankful that is the case! Yet, I find that in some ways, I am still learning and today I realized new aspects about expectations that I hadn't pieced together before.

This morning at church, as we were finishing up the study on 2 Timothy, we read in chapter 4, verses 16 and 17, "At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished, and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was rescued out of the lion's mouth." Paul is speaking of how when he was proclaiming the Gospel, others were not backing him up as they should have, yet he forgave them, knowing that humans fail, God forgives (as should we), and that God was there.

JB talked about how as humans, we will absolutely fail. Others will fail us and will fail them. Expectations are all too often set and not met. And in my knowing this and learning to grow through it, one part that I have missed is embracing that the Lord IS the only constant one...it's not just me there all alone. God is there standing with me, making me stronger all the while. Not that I have been deserted as Paul speaks of, but been failed or disappointed by someone? Definitely. Disappointed others? Absolutely. It is inevitable. Likely if you are reading this, I have disappointed you or you have me. It really is the way we work. But I think that I am in this place now where I am learning to not have crazy expectations, yet even when they are realistic, to not be upset when I'm let down. Cling to the Lord. Ultimately His purpose will be accomplished, just as it was in Paul's day.

Another piece I thought about as the day went on and as I visited with a friend, was the thought that I also have expectations of God. Like in my mind, I am trying to figure out the way something should work out and expecting God to have things play out the way I dream it up. Putting that in writing sounds like total craziness, and really, it is. I am not in charge of this place we call earth. For crying out loud, I am really not even in charge of my own life. God is. Who am I to expect that God would have things go MY way. This is something that I totally didn't even recognize in myself until today, as I was thinking on specific situation that I clearly have my own opinion on. Praise the Lord for revealing this shortcoming in my thoughts, so that once again I can see that He really is in control and my trust for the present and future has to be solely in Him.

So that's it for now. Learning more every day. Loving Him more every day.

Nothing to say...

So I just came to this realization. I have nothing to say. Allow me to explain. There are people in my life whom I love dearly that I do not get to see on a regular basis. People that I consider hugely special and important that I don't talk to very often. So tonight, I was thinking about how I would like to call and visit, but then the realization hit: I have nothing to say.

What's new?: nothing, I go to work, come home, run, eat, relax, sleep, and do it all again.

How is teaching?: still really hard, but we (the kids and I) are slowly and surely figuring it out

Found a church?: no, still going to Stillwater for church most weekends

Found a guy?: no, still waiting on the Lord to bring him around

It is a sad story I know, I just don't know what else to say. I feel like my life has become this boring routine that has left me completely uninteresting. I would like for this to be different. Maybe I can find some new ways to spice it up. This is a new time, a transition time for sure. So maybe I should just enjoy being able to relax and figure it out.

One thing I know for sure: Christ is the prize. Regardless of how challenging, lonely, or confusing this life can be. He is the great reward and I need to focus my efforts on serving Him through the journey.

To those of you whom I may not be keeping in touch with as much as normal, bear with me through this time. I'm learning and I'm trying to figure it out. Your prayers mean the world to me and I love you dearly.

Weekend of my life!

So this weekend was THE BEST! It was fall break, which means a 5 day weekend!! I went to Stillwater to celebrate America's Greatest Homecoming Celebration as well as Tommie Lee's birthday! We have been planning this surprise party for Tommie Lee's 40th for a couple months and it was SO FUN!! On top of that, I got to spend 5 days in a place I love with many people I love!

Highlights of the weekend:
- popping into Crossover on Wednesday night
- having lunch with the Lesters and then with Beth on Thursday
- shopping with Christa, Kristin and Dani
- lazy movie night at the house
- lunch with friends from the college ministry Friday
- party planning final touches on Friday
- dancing the night away at TOMMIE LEE's surprise party!!!!
- visiting with TL Saturday morning
- going to the football game with friends!
- seeing Heather at the game!
- watching the 2nd half with the Lesters
- COUNTRYSIDE Sunday morning
- walking Boomer with Beth
- early morning walk with Kristin

Oh, the Lord is so good to me. This weekend absolutely exceeded my expectations in every way. I loved so many things. I feel blessed to have wonderful people in my life whom I love deeply. Seeing them and spending time brings a smile to my face like nothing else. Thank you Lord for the blessing that relationship can be.


Beth and I at the party!


the beautiful birthday girl and I!!


friends at the game!

Poopyhead

Yes, that's right.

This week has been one full of...well, you fill in the blank. Let me break it down.

1. student poops in my floor- smashes it into the carpet.
2. said student gets called "poopyhead." I try not to laugh.
3. 3 days of prep for observations.
4. 2 observations in 1 day.
5. student pretends to speak in spanish. Gibberish. I laugh.
6. I lose the election for secretary of PTA.
7. student A teaches student B to give others the middle finger.
8. student B's mother = angry. Rightfully so.
9. no sub = extra students in my class.
10. 5 year old's cursing. and fighting.

In the words of my dear friend Christa, "Can I quit yet?"

Need I say more?

Ok, now you ticked me off.

So last week, I'm hanging out in my classroom after school when someone comes in. To keep from being rude and naming the individual, I will use the name Debbie (as in Debbie Downer). After school I usually spend a few minutes cleaning up and preparing a few things for the next day. On this particularly fantastic afternoon, Debbie came in to ask me a question. As I sat at my desk and visited with her, I noticed as she glanced around my room checking it out. I thought about it and continued working on my computer. Then Debbie says as she looks at my goals poster, "You expect them to know 60 sight words by the end of November?"
Me: Yep!
Debbie (in a doubtful and condescending voice):Uh, you know that's a lot, right?
Me: Yeah, they can do it.
Debbie: You may need to lower that. I'm just saying that last year my kids that were reading didn't know that many sight words.
Me: Okay, but I think they can do it. I'm not going to change it.
*but I'm really thinking: probably because you didn't teach them the words!!!!!

Don't tell me that my kids cannot learn those words. YES THEY CAN!! I knew it would happen sooner or later...somebody doubting my kids, making me mad, and inspiring me to work harder to ensure that they meet the goals I set. They can learn 60 words by the end of November because I will teach them 60 words. We will practice, practice, practice.

There is something about being told I can't do something that just makes me want to do it. I don't know- maybe that is defiance, competitive, or something else. Regardless, whether it is good or not, it is how I feel. I am going to make this happen. Just watch me Debbie Downer... or should I say Debbie Doubter. :)

I know, I should be better about blogging more often. I suppose I feel like I just keep complaining about teaching, so for this post, I will attempt to focus on some positive things happening in my life.

As far as teaching goes, it is still rough. Each day, I continue to wonder how people do this for 20+ years. BUT, we are making progress. I cut out nap time. I totally used to think that kindergartners needed nap time regardless- that I would always make it a part of my day. However, after they absolutely would not sleep and all it became was frustrating me and the kids, I just dropped it. We now have more time to get through academic material. Each day we have: a math lesson, a reading lesson, 4 centers, and 4 small groups ( in addition to the usual breakfast, calendar time, songs, bathroom breaks, lunch, specials, snack). So, for those of you non-teachers, that really is a lot and I am pretty pleased.

As far as personal life, do I have one? Just kidding, although this is so different from college, I am figuring it out. This last weekend, I went to Wichita Falls to see family. It was so great! I really needed to go and just rest. To be somewhere and have nothing matter but being with people and catching up. It did my heart a lot of good to say the least.

Although I feel like I am very much in a desert season of my life, God is still faithful and I know that there is purpose. I will continue to learn and grow, regardless of where this path leads.

This past weekend was so relaxing. I spent my time with friends doing absolutely nothing productive. And it was fabulous. I got several great books from dear people that I cannot wait to jump into. Much needed.

Then, Monday morning. Reality check.

It was just one of those days when all I could think was, "I just don't want to do this. Too much pressure. Too draining." I felt utterly helpless and as if this is just not what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord has a plan and a reason for this season, but right now, I'm not willing to even pretend that I kind of like it. I don't. This is so much harder than I ever dreamed.

I am completely overwhelmed with all of the expectations for what I should be teaching and accomplishing with these children. I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get through everything, especially with how much time is wasted by trying to get them to behave appropriately. Today we started a new management system, which I am hoping will help.

Anyway, I don't have any great, inspiring words to leave tonight. I'm just overwhelmed. And sick of this.

Week 4 of teaching recap

It has been a while. My apologies. As far as teaching goes, we have completed four weeks. I am sad to say that we have not learned nearly as much as I had dreamed and planned for. But, I can tell you that I am surviving, and all 33 of my students are still alive. Some days this week, I wasn't sure how they all made it out without injuries. I am still at a point where I don't know what to do or say to get them to behave or listen to me. I have tried being nice. I have tried being mean. All to no avail. I am told, "Well, they don't know your expectations. Be explicit." Ok, I will do that (as if I'm not already). I don't know another way to say "Keep your hands and feet to yourself. Do not touch anyone. Fold your eagle wings. Put your hands in your lap. Etc..." Somehow, in those little 5 year old minds, that all translates to poking, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shoving, tackling, choking, tripping, and kicking. REALLY?! It really is mind boggling to me. Enough venting.

On a brighter note, this past week really was great. Monday was awful. Tuesday, better. Wednesday, one of the best we have had. Thursday, took a couple steps backwards. Friday, another step forward. I mean, 2 good days in one week = spectacular!! The new kindergarten teacher FINALLY arrived on Friday (not her fault), and she worked in her room all day. She will finish preparing on Monday and take students on Tuesday this coming week. I swear when I saw her in the hallway Friday morning, she was like a beam of light. Totally kidding, but seriously. With fewer students in my class, I am really looking forward to getting some structures into place that will truly allow significant learning to happen. They can do it, and they need to in the most desperate way.

For now, please pray that fewer students in the room really does improve the management and class culture in such a way that we can start learning the things we need to learn to meet our semester goals. As wild as these children are, they really are precious. The more I get to know each of them as an individual, I love them more. They have such big stories, big personalities, and huge potential. I will leave you with a story that warmed my heart, yet gave my chills as I left school for the weekend. (We will call this student ID to protect his identity)



After singing our Friday song, ID: I did a good job today, huh, teacher?
Me: Yes, ID, you did much better today!
ID: Tomorrow I will earn orange. ** orange is the best color a child can get on my behavior plan. And yes, that is on purpose- go pokes :)
Me: Well, ID, we won't be at school tomorrow.... (I proceed to explain that on Saturday and Sunday, we stay at home). On Monday, we will all come back to school.
ID: I don't like to go home. I love school. Can we just stay at school?

My thoughts: He loves school. By the grace of God, I have done something right. He wants to be here. But even more, WHY doesn't he want to go home? Beating. Little food.

I'm begging you: PRAY.

Why am I a teacher?

So today was absolutely awful at school. I now have 31 children in my class with 2 special education children coming in 90 minutes a day. These children seriously do not listen to a word I say. I say sit down and they choose to run around the room. I tell them to turn their voices off and they start screaming. AM I SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE!?! I just do not get it. They are absolutely wild. We are in the middle of week 3 and we still cannot walk down the hall quietly. I have honestly tried everything I know. Any management tactics I have learned or used in the past do not work with these children. They are so defiant. So disrespectful. It is unbelievable. If another teacher walks in the room and tells them what to do, they just do it. Doesn't matter that I have been saying the same thing for 10 minutes. I mean really, I have no clue what to do with them.

Supposedly we are getting another kindergarten teacher, but we are waiting on the paperwork to go through with the district before she can start. My principal says hopefully by next week that will be in place. Then I would only have 20 kids plus the two extra. I think that will help. It better. Because at this point, I am questioning so many things. Why did I choose teaching? This is not what I had in mind. I would seriously give anything to be teaching in a school where the children are better behaved and actually care. I mean really, I don't want to be one of those people that wakes up every day and dreads going to work. I want to love what I do, and in the past, I have totally loved teaching. But right now, I'm not getting to teach. All I am doing is trying to get them to listen to me for 5 seconds and not kill each other.

Lord, please give me patience with these children as they learn how to behave. Give me the words to speak to them so that they understand what to do and why. Be with each child, calming their spirits that are assuredly shaken by the things they must endure in this life. Let my classroom be a safe haven in their lives. I ask that the new teacher arrives soon, and not only for my sanity but also for the sake of learning being able to finally happen. Help me wake up each morning with a fresh attitude, ready to start a new day-- knowing it can be better than the previous one. Help me to love those kids more than myself, whatever that may look like. --Amen.

declaring war

on what I have never beat by being nice to it.
on insecurity.

I no longer want to be defined by it.
I'm sick of fear.
and worry
and disappointment.

These things are in ways just part of life, I know. But definition of life and self needs to be found in one place- Christ. I am learning that God won't relent until He has it all. ALL of my heart. ALL of my life. It is time that I quit living like He can't handle it. Because GOD ALONE is capable of doing in my life what I cannot.

I struggle because I truly do love to know everything that is going to happen...a sense of control and certainty I have over a situation. I like knowing how people will act in situations and being able to figure it all out. Yet at the same time, I consistently worry about those things...what will happen or who will think what. When will my heart realize that God is in control. It eats away at the soul. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having ridiculously high expectations that literally nobody can meet, and then being disappointed because people didn't meet the standards that they didn't know were there in the first place. How ridiculous! Yet in the same way, even when expectations are reasonable and unmet, I shouldn't be basing how I feel on others!

So I get to thinking of something I'm learning about in a Beth Moore study (love her). Anyways, Hannah gives birth to Samuel, nurses him, and then gives him to be raised and trained by Eli, the priest, as she had promised to God. Eli's other two sons are absolutely horrific and the furthest from good examples as they could be. Yet, Samuel fervently seeks and serves the Lord, even as a young boy. So shouldn't I, even when I am let down or disappointed in others, continue faithfully regardless? I think so.

Thank you Lord for the encouragement of a young child with a heart for you. Let me learn that you are it. It is all about you and giving you all of me....

Let's go, week 2!

Week 1 down. 175 days left of school. Just kidding, I'm not really counting down yet. Week one flew by and here I am ready to start week 2. It MUST be better than last week. All week, we worked on procedures... how to line up, walk down the hall, take a bathroom break, go to lunch, etc. It seems, however, that these little five year olds are still having trouble grasping many of the things that to me seem so simple. Last week, they were pretty awful, especially Friday. I felt like all I did was yell to get their attention. They just would not listen or get quiet. I absolutely do not want my whole year to look like that.

I have high hopes for this week. We will continue to practice our procedures. I am going to try to give a ton more Genius Gems (my rewards system) to reinforce positive behavior. I am going to try to be better at noting and using which communication style works best for each child. We are going to begin phonics and reading curriculum. Maybe having more things actually going on will help their behavior and attention. I am praying that the two parents I visited with have helped get their children on board to behave better. This week WILL be an improvement from last. I am determined.

You know, these children live rougher lives than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact that at least two and maybe three of my students lost their mothers this summer. Many of them do not get to eat at home. Many of them only eat junk from convenience stores. Many of them are beaten on a frequent basis. Where they live, someone dies almost every night. Some of them have likely seen it happen.
I cannot fathom the pain.
The confusion.
The fear.
The absolute and complete emotional turmoil.

Why the innocent children? They were born into their current situation. They cannot leave it right now. They are helpless. Certainly many will be sucked into the same lifestyle they witness in older siblings and parents. And certainly, they can overcome. But right now, they are babies. Babies that are in a horrific place. Yet within my reach.

I have to remember that the firm enforcement of guidelines is something that these children are desperate for. The need some kind of stability. Something and someone they can count on to be constant. Lord, let me be that for them. Help me to remain patient and remember that they are 5 and 6 years old. They need consistency. They need a schedule. They need direction. Lord, they need love. Oh, that I might be your love in their life!

Whoa soapbox. :) Ok, here we go week 2....