"fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" - Hebrews 12:2
I have really been challenged lately. Like REALLY challenged. I feel like there is so much going on in my life that I have absolutely no control over. So many things happening that I cant change. So many things to learn from. So much opportunity for trust. I know that I don’t need to have control, and really, it isn’t that part that I am struggling with. It is more that my heart is just so overwhelmed by all that is going on around me.
My tendency when life throws me curve balls, is to go straight to friends…to vent, to cry, to ask for prayer. But lately in conversation, it has occurred to me that this is not always the best approach. Yes. I understand that asking for prayer within the body of Christ and being there for one another are great things. But all too often I find myself running straight there instead of straight to the Lord. So I’m trying this thing… where I don’t run to tell someone when something is wrong. As I write today, I realize that none of you knows what I am speaking of. And that is okay for now. I believe that Christ is sufficient. I believe He is more than I need. I believe He can heal me and comfort me more than any human ever could. I believe those things, so now it is time that I live like it. I have to let Him be my everything.
That being said, I don’t want to write what is currently going on. But I can say that I am once again learning to trust. I do want to leave you with the lyrics of a song that is my cry right now…it speaks simple truth that moves me.
Healer by Hillsong…
You hold my every moment You calm my raging seas You walk with me through fire And heal all my disease
I trust in You I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer I believe You are all I need I believe You're my Portion I believe You're more than enough for me Jesus You're all I need
Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible for You Nothing is impossible for You You hold my world in Your hands
So I've been thinking a lot lately about prayer. Sometimes it really is all we have. And it's about trust. I feel like I am constantly learning how to trust the Lord in my personal life with specific situations that arise. But I'm seeing now that prayer is also about learning to trust God with others.
I am the type of person who loves largely by doing things for others. I love getting to serve and help out. When someone I love has a lot on their plate, I want to make life a little easier. It is something that I say not to pat myself of the back, but because it is something that I have struggled with lately. In moving to Tulsa, I have had to realize that I am not always going to be around those people that I am used to helping. Now, there is always service. There is always an opportunity to show the love of Christ to those around us. I am talking more about love in personal relationships. I am a fixer in many ways. When people dear to me are going through struggles, I always want to fix them, and I usually end up just helping in any way that I can. I delight in doing it. However, now, that is something that in many circumstances, I just cannot do.
Writing about it seems almost silly, but I think that the Lord is really showing me that although my heart desires to be with people that I love and be able to help, that sometimes I really can't be the fixer. I need to realize that God is bigger than me or the little things that I can do to temporarily help others. Yes, it is a way that I love, and I still think it's ok, but I also know that I can't do it all. I have to trust God to take care of loved ones. They are His children. And from the distance, all I really can do is pray. That He would work in their lives. That He would reveal Himself to them. That He would protect them. So I'm clinging to it. Praying... because it really is all I can do.
Well, I have finished teaching my first semester of kindergarten, and I have so many thoughts and feelings about it that I struggle to decide where to begin. It has been a whirlwind for sure. The last day of school before Christmas break was a long anticipated day, yet when it finally came and went, I literally drove away from my school with an uneasy feeling. Much thought to follow in the hour in the car I had ahead of me. I headed toward Stillwater where I would spend the evening with good friends and then get in a van to head to Colorado to go skiing. That is where I find myself today, sitting in a lovely condo in the mountains in beautiful Breckenridge, CO. I sit in front of the fire with tired legs after a day full of skiing, taking in the greatness of all that our God has created and loving watching how people are enjoying it. Whether they know it or not, they are a part of something huge...we all are. And in that, I see so much.
Am I making a difference in lives of my students? Do they know how much I love them? Have I taught them enough? Will they be ready for 1st grade in only a few more months? As I left school on Friday for our two week break, I felt uneasy. I have all these questions running through my mind. And honestly, I think I know the answer to the questions. We did what we needed to do. No, it was absolutely not perfect, but they learned, and I surely did. We made progress, but I think that I just felt funny about it because it was just not everything that I had ever hoped and dreamed. I am definitely relieved that one semester is done. There will certainly never be another like it. And in short, I'd say I am pleased.
Some lessons learned: be strict from day one, be consistent, have explicit expectations, procedures procedures procedures, plan plan plan, differentiate, movement, small groups.
So there it is. One semester down. Tired. Needing rest. Reflective. And in it all, I think about how God is working things out. He has this huge plan that is so much grander than anything I can think of. It's a truth that I must cling to. When the days are hard, I know I have to hold to the promise that God is always with me, working it out for good. There is purpose. My life is His. Whether I love where I am or not, I have to live as a servant of the Almighty King. And what better time of year than now to remember about living a life of surrender to the One who became flesh that He might save us. God found Mary faithful and used her to bring about the most amazing plan of all. May He also find me faithful, and find me fit to use even more to further His love in this world.
Let us all surrender our lives to the One who knows best, the One who will make something out of what we see as nothing, the One who turns hardship into victory, and the One who created the majestic mountains to let us see Him. Praise You, Lord, for You alone are worthy.
Well, it's been a while since I last wrote. Here is a quick update of my life: - went to Wichita Falls and spent some time with loved ones - went to Bedlam, the Cowboys lost :( - still loving going to Countryside - got cursed out by a student's parent - said parent threatened to sue me for child neglect - preparing for the Countryside Christmas musical! - went to a precious Ladies Christmas Brunch - took roadtrip to Vici, OK - played racquetball for the first time in long time! - hurt my back :( - gearing up for the ski trip to Breckenridge! - only 8 days of school left!!!
In the midst of it all, there have been some really hard days at school as well as in my personal life. I feel as though the Lord is really trying to teach me to wait and trust Him. There are things that I absolutely do not understand...things I wish were different...or easier. I find myself desiring things that aren't happening as quickly as I hoped, or maybe not at all. I don't understand why a lot happens just the way it does. I find myself questioning...looking for purpose in the current struggle. And you know, a verse that I think is often easily overlooked as cliche comes to mind with resounding clarity...Proverbs 3:5 says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding."
So I am to trust, even when I don't understand why life happens the way it does. Not worrying, but trusting that God has a purpose. There is some reason. As we enter the Christmas season, I can't help but think about how confused Mary must have been at becoming pregnant as a virgin. How desperately she wanted answers...how she may have wanted her circumstance to be different. Yet she had to trust the Lord, not relying on what she understood of the situation. In the same way, I have to wait on the Lord's plan and trust. I have to live like I know that He is working all things out to accomplish His ultimate purpose.
Lord, during this season, may we really learn to trust You and You alone. Even though we may not understand the way life goes, let us live relying on the fact that You are Lord over all. May Christmas remind us that you have a plan that is beyond us. As we pray, teach us to wait on your answer, no matter what it may be. God, You are bigger and stronger than any of our struggles. Make Yourself known. Amen.
So I absolutely love this song by Shane and Shane. I feel like in many ways, it portrays where I am right now. Waiting, struggling...but praise be to the Lord, for He is working all things out. --- Romans 8:28
When darkness is surrounding me by Your Spirit, Lord help me sing that You are working all things out Lord, I really need to hear you speak Remind me in the waiting that You are working all things out
For the good of those who are called by You for the good of those who are in Love with You That's why we sing
Holy God of light I lay down my life Holy is the Lord Even in the storm be glorified
We like to take the blessing from You Shall we not take the trouble too You are working all things out We like to take prosperity Shall we not take the suffering You are working all things out
Holy are you Lord even in the storm be glorified Worthy of affection
Such a huge struggle. Spiritually and relationally hard.
Over the past week, I've been thinking a lot about patience, for several different reasons. As I was just catching up on some blogs, I came across a friend's post about patience. She had some great things to say, and honestly it was challenging to me. It reinforced some of the things I have been thinking about over the past week and was at the same time comforting to know I'm not the only one. What is it about never wanting to stand alone in a struggle?? I guess it has to do with something JB said in church this morning...how we were meant for relationship. We need each other to go through this life, to teach and learn from each other. Although my struggle differs slightly from this precious friend, some things she mentioned struck cords with me and urged me to go ahead and write. You can go here: http://exceedinglyabundantlyabove.blogspot.com/2010/11/patience.html to read her post. Thanks Beth :)
Oh, where to start on this grand topic? Well, my job. I'll start there. IT IS HARD. I do not plan to spend another entire post boring you with the grungy details of the daily life of a kindergarten teacher in the ghetto. My aim here is reveal my weakness. As this year has progressed, I have expected that these children would get a clue. Of how I expect them to behave. Of how humans behave. But, alas, they have not. My parents came for a quick classroom visit last week and were appalled by the behavior in my school. All of this to say, I have become SO impatient with these kids. There are days when I choose to let it all roll off my shoulders and laugh at them. But most days, I am entirely frustrated. I don't know what to do with this kind of defiance and outright disobedience. I find myself often becoming angry and short-tempered. May I please say- that is absolutely NOT the person or teacher I want to be. Colossians 3:12 resounds in my mind, and I think, "Wow, I'm totally failing at this when it comes to these kids." Paul writes, "So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience." Dear Lord, help me get a hold on just a pinch of this. I want to be understanding and love them. I want to teach them and make a difference, but I don't think I am doing any such thing.
Ok, now for the more personal side of patience that I am trying to figure out in this current season. I find myself often thinking that things that I want should be happening quicker in my life. In our culture, we see immediate gratification all over the place. Nobody waits for anything anymore. You want it, you get it. I see that being true materially as well as in relationships. Where I struggle is in thinking that if I were just in (--insert particular place--) or if God would just grant me (--insert particular desire--) then things would be so much better. But really, who am I to play the "if" game with God? I should be waiting on Him to bring about those things in HIS perfect timing, not mine. Why am I being so impatient with the things I want in this life? Is not the whole purpose of this life to honor the Lord and bring glory to His name? When did I become so self-consumed?
Wow. God is really doing something in this heart of mine. To love Him more and desire His fame more than my own wants. How do I let go of the things I want, WAIT on Him to bring about the things I actually need, and serve faithfully all the while? How do I let go without complaining? Without clinging? Without fear? Well, it's faith. I have to grab hold of the truths of God's promises. I have to.
HE WILL BE NO DISAPPOINTMENT. That I am convinced of.
I feel like a huge theme of my life for the past little while has been expectations. In moving to Tulsa, and in going back to Stillwater often as I do, I realized pretty quickly that my expectations of other people needed some adjustment. This is definitely something I have grappled with before...trying to figure out how to just let things be and go with the flow...not take things personally and just truly cherish time that I get to spend with people. It has been a learning curve for sure, and honestly, something the Lord has grown me in tremendously. There are some relationships that God has blessed and have grown, and I am so thankful that is the case! Yet, I find that in some ways, I am still learning and today I realized new aspects about expectations that I hadn't pieced together before.
This morning at church, as we were finishing up the study on 2 Timothy, we read in chapter 4, verses 16 and 17, "At my first defense no one supported me, but all deserted me; may it not be counted against them. But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me, so that through me the proclamation might be fully accomplished, and that all the Gentiles might hear; and I was rescued out of the lion's mouth." Paul is speaking of how when he was proclaiming the Gospel, others were not backing him up as they should have, yet he forgave them, knowing that humans fail, God forgives (as should we), and that God was there.
JB talked about how as humans, we will absolutely fail. Others will fail us and will fail them. Expectations are all too often set and not met. And in my knowing this and learning to grow through it, one part that I have missed is embracing that the Lord IS the only constant one...it's not just me there all alone. God is there standing with me, making me stronger all the while. Not that I have been deserted as Paul speaks of, but been failed or disappointed by someone? Definitely. Disappointed others? Absolutely. It is inevitable. Likely if you are reading this, I have disappointed you or you have me. It really is the way we work. But I think that I am in this place now where I am learning to not have crazy expectations, yet even when they are realistic, to not be upset when I'm let down. Cling to the Lord. Ultimately His purpose will be accomplished, just as it was in Paul's day.
Another piece I thought about as the day went on and as I visited with a friend, was the thought that I also have expectations of God. Like in my mind, I am trying to figure out the way something should work out and expecting God to have things play out the way I dream it up. Putting that in writing sounds like total craziness, and really, it is. I am not in charge of this place we call earth. For crying out loud, I am really not even in charge of my own life. God is. Who am I to expect that God would have things go MY way. This is something that I totally didn't even recognize in myself until today, as I was thinking on specific situation that I clearly have my own opinion on. Praise the Lord for revealing this shortcoming in my thoughts, so that once again I can see that He really is in control and my trust for the present and future has to be solely in Him.
So that's it for now. Learning more every day. Loving Him more every day.
So I just came to this realization. I have nothing to say. Allow me to explain. There are people in my life whom I love dearly that I do not get to see on a regular basis. People that I consider hugely special and important that I don't talk to very often. So tonight, I was thinking about how I would like to call and visit, but then the realization hit: I have nothing to say.
What's new?: nothing, I go to work, come home, run, eat, relax, sleep, and do it all again.
How is teaching?: still really hard, but we (the kids and I) are slowly and surely figuring it out
Found a church?: no, still going to Stillwater for church most weekends
Found a guy?: no, still waiting on the Lord to bring him around
It is a sad story I know, I just don't know what else to say. I feel like my life has become this boring routine that has left me completely uninteresting. I would like for this to be different. Maybe I can find some new ways to spice it up. This is a new time, a transition time for sure. So maybe I should just enjoy being able to relax and figure it out.
One thing I know for sure: Christ is the prize. Regardless of how challenging, lonely, or confusing this life can be. He is the great reward and I need to focus my efforts on serving Him through the journey.
To those of you whom I may not be keeping in touch with as much as normal, bear with me through this time. I'm learning and I'm trying to figure it out. Your prayers mean the world to me and I love you dearly.
on what I have never beat by being nice to it. on insecurity.
I no longer want to be defined by it. I'm sick of fear. and worry and disappointment.
These things are in ways just part of life, I know. But definition of life and self needs to be found in one place- Christ. I am learning that God won't relent until He has it all. ALL of my heart. ALL of my life. It is time that I quit living like He can't handle it. Because GOD ALONE is capable of doing in my life what I cannot.
I struggle because I truly do love to know everything that is going to happen...a sense of control and certainty I have over a situation. I like knowing how people will act in situations and being able to figure it all out. Yet at the same time, I consistently worry about those things...what will happen or who will think what. When will my heart realize that God is in control. It eats away at the soul. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having ridiculously high expectations that literally nobody can meet, and then being disappointed because people didn't meet the standards that they didn't know were there in the first place. How ridiculous! Yet in the same way, even when expectations are reasonable and unmet, I shouldn't be basing how I feel on others!
So I get to thinking of something I'm learning about in a Beth Moore study (love her). Anyways, Hannah gives birth to Samuel, nurses him, and then gives him to be raised and trained by Eli, the priest, as she had promised to God. Eli's other two sons are absolutely horrific and the furthest from good examples as they could be. Yet, Samuel fervently seeks and serves the Lord, even as a young boy. So shouldn't I, even when I am let down or disappointed in others, continue faithfully regardless? I think so.
Thank you Lord for the encouragement of a young child with a heart for you. Let me learn that you are it. It is all about you and giving you all of me....
It has been an insane week. I saw my classroom for the first time on Monday. Yes, MY classroom. Oh my gosh, I'm really a teacher, with my own classroom and up to thirty 5 year-olds in my care in just a week. Dang. This has happened so fast. I mean, I do feel like I was in college forever... I guess four years can feel like forever, but all of a sudden here I am. About to embark on this new journey in my life called being a teacher. It's good. It really is. My classroom is big and I have almost everything I need. I can't wait to see their smiling (and some crying) little faces in a week. I spent all week working on the room, trying to remember everything I have learned. I want it to be so perfect...what a joke! So the week was crazy busy, but in a good way.
In the midst of preparing to teach, my heart is still in such a weird place, and maybe it will be for a while. I don't know. I miss Stillwater so much. I miss people. I miss familiarity. I keep trying to find things I like about Tulsa, to find things that make it seem like home. But it's not. I know, I know... I've only been here three weeks, but I guess this summer was just so crazy that I didn't really have time to consider what being here would look like. I wasn't ready for these emotions again. I hate them to be quite honest. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to not live based on my feelings (that are often irrational) and to let the Lord be my everything instead of needing location or people to make me feel "ok." I want to want Him most. Lord, help we want you most. Help me only need you.
So yesterday was a rough one. Sunday is usually a day I look forward to all week, namely because it is a day that involves two great things: church and relaxing. But yesterday. It hit me.
Upon moving to Tulsa, I had originally planned on returning to Stillwater on a weekly basis to continue attending church at Countryside, a place that definitely has my heart as far as churches go. Countryside is a place is where the Word of God is taught without reservation and where people love without hesitation. There is a lot of sentimental value for me with that church, specifically because it is the first place that I truly grew as a believer and learned what it really means to be a disciple, to love and thrive on the study of Scripture, and to serve out of love instead of fear. I believe that I will always love Countryside. It represents a time for me when the Lord did miraculous things in my life. I hope to someday be able to call it home again.
Back to yesterday. I decided that in the best interest of my emotional stability and adjusting to living in Tulsa, it probably wasn’t the best idea to go to Stillwater every week. So, last week, I visited for the first time at a church here in Tulsa. It is a church that JB (pastor at Countryside) recommended and where a good friend from Tulsa has attended for some time. It is a place that uses expository teaching to proclaim the grace message of salvation, is mission oriented, and is known for having good fellowship. Sounds like a great fit! So last week I liked it alright, but I wasn’t sold. This week, it honestly seemed worse. The Sunday school I attended was awkward and shallow and the teaching and worship both left a lot to be desired. Disclaimer: I am not by any means trying to bash this church…just because it might not work for me doesn’t mean that it isn’t good or isn’t doing great things.
As I sat in that service, I had the hardest time trying to not compare it to Countryside, which I realize just isn’t fair. I know that I have to accept that no church will be Countryside, unless I just go there, which isn’t going to work. I guess the point is just that I am having a hard time. I know there are other churches to try and it will get better being here, but it is just hard, when I had feel like I had just begun to get settled in and loving the body in Stillwater. I miss it so much my heart literally aches. Many times I want nothing more than to be back in Stillwater, at Countryside and with the people I love so dearly, but I must remind myself that the Lord is sovereign and has a reason for this time.
He is the prize. Regardless of where I am. Or who I am with. Or what church I go to. Or how I feel. He is the ultimate reason and reward.
So I graduated. And I moved to Tulsa. Goodbye to the college life and hello real world. Goodbye Stillwater- the town that found a special place in my heart and became home. I wasn’t ready to go, but I have to remind myself that the Lord knows best. I have been in Tulsa now for about a week, and it honestly took a couple of days to actually sink in that I really did move…that this really is happening. At this point I truly don’t know what Tulsa and this season holds for me. Well, I know it holds a first year of teaching kindergartners which promises to be challenging. It holds new experiences, new schedules, new people, a new church, and probably a lot more “new-ness.” At this point, I am also not in love with Tulsa. I like it, yes, I already knew that. But love it? Not quite. Yet I must remember that I didn’t immediately love Stillwater either. Right now, this is change. Uncertainty. Discomfort.
Comfort. Now that’s a topic. A few months ago, a good friend said to me, “Caitlin, you are way too young to be comfortable.” She is so right. There is so much more change and life ahead. I have this tendency to get stuck… to people, places, ideas, desires. And while I know that this is not a great or healthy thing, my flesh is so weak and falls into this time and time again. I get comfortable with something and don’t want to change it at all. Anyway, if I search for roots of this, I think it goes back to the desire I have to be settled. Honestly, I want to be in a place and know that its home… that it is where I will be…that I won’t always be waiting for the next however many years to finish so I can up and move again. I don’t know…Tulsa could be that place, but it might not be.
Here is the bottom line, I think that in all of these feelings, I think I need to learn to be so comfortable with who I am in Christ that my physical location is less important. So, that is comfort in who I am, not where I am or who I am with. Isn’t that the point after all? To find security in Christ and not anything else? Lord, grant me that I may be “ok” regardless of circumstance. Let me deeply know that Your plan is to use me where I am, not where I want to be.
So, this is only the start of a new season. As it begins, there are concerns and things to look forward to. My hope is that I will give myself over completely to the Lord. That my fears or imperfections wouldn't hinder the good things that are to come. Do with me what you will, God.
Yesterday I spent a good portion of the afternoon visiting with great girlfriends. It was an absolutely beautiful day for many reasons…the weather was great and the company even better. More than anything, the Lord was telling me things through these women that blew my mind. He used them to speak truth into my life and to reassure me of things I believe. What an awesome God we serve- one who knows exactly where we are, how we feel, and what we need to hear. I just can’t get over the fact that He cares enough about me to purpose that these days and conversations would happen. I love that God is all about the details. Psalm 139 is one that most of you know…yet what it speaks about the Lord never ceases to overload my heart. Read it through…
1O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
5You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11If I say, "Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,"
12Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
14I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand
When I awake, I am still with You.
19O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21Do I not hate those who hate You, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Wow! The hairs of my head are numbered…before one day came to be, He knew it! I love that God has worked in other people’s lives so that they may grow and learn, but also that when they are obedient, their experiences can be used to impact my life. Likewise, if I am seeking to follow Him, what I have learned can also help others. So why do I worry? God is so all over the details. He has a plan and I know that it will work out perfectly in His timing. After yesterday, I was reminded that the things I concern myself with from day to day are not worth the pain I let them cause. I need to find that place where I wait patiently for the Lord and serve Him in the time that I have.
Thank you Lord for giving us relationships. I am constantly amazed at how you use people in my life to draw me nearer to you. Lord I ask your blessings on those that are obedient to you in being transparent enough to teach me. Thank you for being a perfect God in control of everything. If I were in charge of all those details there would surely be disaster. Help me to quit trying to do your job, and mostly to wait for your timing. In this current season, I pray that I will spend my time serving that you may glorified…Amen
I am a disciple of the Lord Jesus Christ. I strive to live for Him- to know Him and make Him known. There are other things in life, but He is the one thing that matters! :)
