still trying to get it

It has been an insane week. I saw my classroom for the first time on Monday. Yes, MY classroom. Oh my gosh, I'm really a teacher, with my own classroom and up to thirty 5 year-olds in my care in just a week. Dang. This has happened so fast. I mean, I do feel like I was in college forever... I guess four years can feel like forever, but all of a sudden here I am. About to embark on this new journey in my life called being a teacher. It's good. It really is. My classroom is big and I have almost everything I need. I can't wait to see their smiling (and some crying) little faces in a week. I spent all week working on the room, trying to remember everything I have learned. I want it to be so perfect...what a joke! So the week was crazy busy, but in a good way.

In the midst of preparing to teach, my heart is still in such a weird place, and maybe it will be for a while. I don't know. I miss Stillwater so much. I miss people. I miss familiarity. I keep trying to find things I like about Tulsa, to find things that make it seem like home. But it's not. I know, I know... I've only been here three weeks, but I guess this summer was just so crazy that I didn't really have time to consider what being here would look like. I wasn't ready for these emotions again. I hate them to be quite honest. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to not live based on my feelings (that are often irrational) and to let the Lord be my everything instead of needing location or people to make me feel "ok." I want to want Him most. Lord, help we want you most. Help me only need you.