declaring war

on what I have never beat by being nice to it.
on insecurity.

I no longer want to be defined by it.
I'm sick of fear.
and worry
and disappointment.

These things are in ways just part of life, I know. But definition of life and self needs to be found in one place- Christ. I am learning that God won't relent until He has it all. ALL of my heart. ALL of my life. It is time that I quit living like He can't handle it. Because GOD ALONE is capable of doing in my life what I cannot.

I struggle because I truly do love to know everything that is going to happen...a sense of control and certainty I have over a situation. I like knowing how people will act in situations and being able to figure it all out. Yet at the same time, I consistently worry about those things...what will happen or who will think what. When will my heart realize that God is in control. It eats away at the soul. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having ridiculously high expectations that literally nobody can meet, and then being disappointed because people didn't meet the standards that they didn't know were there in the first place. How ridiculous! Yet in the same way, even when expectations are reasonable and unmet, I shouldn't be basing how I feel on others!

So I get to thinking of something I'm learning about in a Beth Moore study (love her). Anyways, Hannah gives birth to Samuel, nurses him, and then gives him to be raised and trained by Eli, the priest, as she had promised to God. Eli's other two sons are absolutely horrific and the furthest from good examples as they could be. Yet, Samuel fervently seeks and serves the Lord, even as a young boy. So shouldn't I, even when I am let down or disappointed in others, continue faithfully regardless? I think so.

Thank you Lord for the encouragement of a young child with a heart for you. Let me learn that you are it. It is all about you and giving you all of me....