on what I have never beat by being nice to it.
on insecurity.
I no longer want to be defined by it.
I'm sick of fear.
and worry
and disappointment.
These things are in ways just part of life, I know. But definition of life and self needs to be found in one place- Christ. I am learning that God won't relent until He has it all. ALL of my heart. ALL of my life. It is time that I quit living like He can't handle it. Because GOD ALONE is capable of doing in my life what I cannot.
I struggle because I truly do love to know everything that is going to happen...a sense of control and certainty I have over a situation. I like knowing how people will act in situations and being able to figure it all out. Yet at the same time, I consistently worry about those things...what will happen or who will think what. When will my heart realize that God is in control. It eats away at the soul. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having ridiculously high expectations that literally nobody can meet, and then being disappointed because people didn't meet the standards that they didn't know were there in the first place. How ridiculous! Yet in the same way, even when expectations are reasonable and unmet, I shouldn't be basing how I feel on others!
So I get to thinking of something I'm learning about in a Beth Moore study (love her). Anyways, Hannah gives birth to Samuel, nurses him, and then gives him to be raised and trained by Eli, the priest, as she had promised to God. Eli's other two sons are absolutely horrific and the furthest from good examples as they could be. Yet, Samuel fervently seeks and serves the Lord, even as a young boy. So shouldn't I, even when I am let down or disappointed in others, continue faithfully regardless? I think so.
Thank you Lord for the encouragement of a young child with a heart for you. Let me learn that you are it. It is all about you and giving you all of me....
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Let's go, week 2!
Week 1 down. 175 days left of school. Just kidding, I'm not really counting down yet. Week one flew by and here I am ready to start week 2. It MUST be better than last week. All week, we worked on procedures... how to line up, walk down the hall, take a bathroom break, go to lunch, etc. It seems, however, that these little five year olds are still having trouble grasping many of the things that to me seem so simple. Last week, they were pretty awful, especially Friday. I felt like all I did was yell to get their attention. They just would not listen or get quiet. I absolutely do not want my whole year to look like that.
I have high hopes for this week. We will continue to practice our procedures. I am going to try to give a ton more Genius Gems (my rewards system) to reinforce positive behavior. I am going to try to be better at noting and using which communication style works best for each child. We are going to begin phonics and reading curriculum. Maybe having more things actually going on will help their behavior and attention. I am praying that the two parents I visited with have helped get their children on board to behave better. This week WILL be an improvement from last. I am determined.
You know, these children live rougher lives than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact that at least two and maybe three of my students lost their mothers this summer. Many of them do not get to eat at home. Many of them only eat junk from convenience stores. Many of them are beaten on a frequent basis. Where they live, someone dies almost every night. Some of them have likely seen it happen.
I cannot fathom the pain.
The confusion.
The fear.
The absolute and complete emotional turmoil.
Why the innocent children? They were born into their current situation. They cannot leave it right now. They are helpless. Certainly many will be sucked into the same lifestyle they witness in older siblings and parents. And certainly, they can overcome. But right now, they are babies. Babies that are in a horrific place. Yet within my reach.
I have to remember that the firm enforcement of guidelines is something that these children are desperate for. The need some kind of stability. Something and someone they can count on to be constant. Lord, let me be that for them. Help me to remain patient and remember that they are 5 and 6 years old. They need consistency. They need a schedule. They need direction. Lord, they need love. Oh, that I might be your love in their life!
Whoa soapbox. :) Ok, here we go week 2....
I have high hopes for this week. We will continue to practice our procedures. I am going to try to give a ton more Genius Gems (my rewards system) to reinforce positive behavior. I am going to try to be better at noting and using which communication style works best for each child. We are going to begin phonics and reading curriculum. Maybe having more things actually going on will help their behavior and attention. I am praying that the two parents I visited with have helped get their children on board to behave better. This week WILL be an improvement from last. I am determined.
You know, these children live rougher lives than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact that at least two and maybe three of my students lost their mothers this summer. Many of them do not get to eat at home. Many of them only eat junk from convenience stores. Many of them are beaten on a frequent basis. Where they live, someone dies almost every night. Some of them have likely seen it happen.
I cannot fathom the pain.
The confusion.
The fear.
The absolute and complete emotional turmoil.
Why the innocent children? They were born into their current situation. They cannot leave it right now. They are helpless. Certainly many will be sucked into the same lifestyle they witness in older siblings and parents. And certainly, they can overcome. But right now, they are babies. Babies that are in a horrific place. Yet within my reach.
I have to remember that the firm enforcement of guidelines is something that these children are desperate for. The need some kind of stability. Something and someone they can count on to be constant. Lord, let me be that for them. Help me to remain patient and remember that they are 5 and 6 years old. They need consistency. They need a schedule. They need direction. Lord, they need love. Oh, that I might be your love in their life!
Whoa soapbox. :) Ok, here we go week 2....
Monday, August 23, 2010
What just happened??
O.M.G.
First day of school was quite the experience. I had 25 kids in my class today, a number that will likely increase as the week progresses. Let me be real for a second here. I don't know what to do with that many children and no TA. They were absolutely insane all day long. There was not a moment when they were all doing as I asked. No moments of cooperation. No moments of silence. I felt like all day long I only did crowd control. Trying to make sure nothing terrible happened. They were so loud and I felt like I had to raise my voice more than I would ever have liked to be able to get their attention. I mean, my throat is sore for crying out loud.
Today, I seriously thought to myself, "No wonder so many teachers move to high-income areas and high performing schools. This is too hard." I began to question if I really wanted to do this. That is awful. I do want this. I know these children need everything I have to offer them, but I have got to find a way to get them in line before any learning can take place. They will have to be quiet at times. They will have to listen. I just need to figure out how to make that happen.
Ok, so let's throw in some positive to keep me going for another day.
1. nobody tore anything up
2. nobody got sick
3. nobody got lost
4. nobody cursed at me (seriously, that is a gain)
5. nobody got hurt
6. we read 2 books
7. we sang 3 songs (and danced, duh!)
8. we learned how to walk in the hall (kind of!)
9. I didn't cry
10.THEY ARE PRECIOUS- see photo below. Even in all the craziness, children make me smile.
First day of school was quite the experience. I had 25 kids in my class today, a number that will likely increase as the week progresses. Let me be real for a second here. I don't know what to do with that many children and no TA. They were absolutely insane all day long. There was not a moment when they were all doing as I asked. No moments of cooperation. No moments of silence. I felt like all day long I only did crowd control. Trying to make sure nothing terrible happened. They were so loud and I felt like I had to raise my voice more than I would ever have liked to be able to get their attention. I mean, my throat is sore for crying out loud.
Today, I seriously thought to myself, "No wonder so many teachers move to high-income areas and high performing schools. This is too hard." I began to question if I really wanted to do this. That is awful. I do want this. I know these children need everything I have to offer them, but I have got to find a way to get them in line before any learning can take place. They will have to be quiet at times. They will have to listen. I just need to figure out how to make that happen.
Ok, so let's throw in some positive to keep me going for another day.
1. nobody tore anything up
2. nobody got sick
3. nobody got lost
4. nobody cursed at me (seriously, that is a gain)
5. nobody got hurt
6. we read 2 books
7. we sang 3 songs (and danced, duh!)
8. we learned how to walk in the hall (kind of!)
9. I didn't cry
10.THEY ARE PRECIOUS- see photo below. Even in all the craziness, children make me smile.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tomorrow it begins
Well last week I went to meetings and worked more in my classroom. As the week progressed, I started realizing that this really is happening...all of the plans I had written out needed details. I needed the materials ready. I needed to get the books I planned on reading my little ones. I slowly but surely got it all together, and I think I am ready. Yes, I'm somewhat nervous. But then I remind myself that I have been in a classroom for the last year. I have been waiting to do this and been training to do this for years. I KNOW what to do. Now I must do it. Granted, this may be more difficult than other schools I have been in, considering the demographic and location of my school. But thus far, I truly love it.
So here I sit less than twelve hours until I see those precious little faces.
The faces of children who have never been to school.
Who don't know much beyond their front doors.
Who need to be put on a path to success.
The faces of children who need someone to care.
Someone to show them that they can do or be anything.
Someone to look them in the eye and show them that they matter.
I sit here tonight thinking about the opportunity I have to make a difference in the lives of the 29 children whose names I just found on my online roster. They are mine for only one year. They are mine to watch grow. To teach. To nurture. To love. I love them so much and I haven't even met them. Lord, let me be a light and make an impact. I have been put right where I am because of your sovereign plan.
To any of you reading this, pray. Please. Pray for me, that I would be the best teacher I know how to be. That I would not be a hot mess as I embark on this endeavor. But, mostly, pray for my children. That they would come in ready for school and all the new things I will be throwing their way. That they would be well behaved (for my sake!!). And that they would be responsive to me in a way that changes the trajectory of their life.
That's all :)
So here I sit less than twelve hours until I see those precious little faces.
The faces of children who have never been to school.
Who don't know much beyond their front doors.
Who need to be put on a path to success.
The faces of children who need someone to care.
Someone to show them that they can do or be anything.
Someone to look them in the eye and show them that they matter.
I sit here tonight thinking about the opportunity I have to make a difference in the lives of the 29 children whose names I just found on my online roster. They are mine for only one year. They are mine to watch grow. To teach. To nurture. To love. I love them so much and I haven't even met them. Lord, let me be a light and make an impact. I have been put right where I am because of your sovereign plan.
To any of you reading this, pray. Please. Pray for me, that I would be the best teacher I know how to be. That I would not be a hot mess as I embark on this endeavor. But, mostly, pray for my children. That they would come in ready for school and all the new things I will be throwing their way. That they would be well behaved (for my sake!!). And that they would be responsive to me in a way that changes the trajectory of their life.
That's all :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
still trying to get it
It has been an insane week. I saw my classroom for the first time on Monday. Yes, MY classroom. Oh my gosh, I'm really a teacher, with my own classroom and up to thirty 5 year-olds in my care in just a week. Dang. This has happened so fast. I mean, I do feel like I was in college forever... I guess four years can feel like forever, but all of a sudden here I am. About to embark on this new journey in my life called being a teacher. It's good. It really is. My classroom is big and I have almost everything I need. I can't wait to see their smiling (and some crying) little faces in a week. I spent all week working on the room, trying to remember everything I have learned. I want it to be so perfect...what a joke! So the week was crazy busy, but in a good way.
In the midst of preparing to teach, my heart is still in such a weird place, and maybe it will be for a while. I don't know. I miss Stillwater so much. I miss people. I miss familiarity. I keep trying to find things I like about Tulsa, to find things that make it seem like home. But it's not. I know, I know... I've only been here three weeks, but I guess this summer was just so crazy that I didn't really have time to consider what being here would look like. I wasn't ready for these emotions again. I hate them to be quite honest. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to not live based on my feelings (that are often irrational) and to let the Lord be my everything instead of needing location or people to make me feel "ok." I want to want Him most. Lord, help we want you most. Help me only need you.
In the midst of preparing to teach, my heart is still in such a weird place, and maybe it will be for a while. I don't know. I miss Stillwater so much. I miss people. I miss familiarity. I keep trying to find things I like about Tulsa, to find things that make it seem like home. But it's not. I know, I know... I've only been here three weeks, but I guess this summer was just so crazy that I didn't really have time to consider what being here would look like. I wasn't ready for these emotions again. I hate them to be quite honest. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to not live based on my feelings (that are often irrational) and to let the Lord be my everything instead of needing location or people to make me feel "ok." I want to want Him most. Lord, help we want you most. Help me only need you.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Sunday, Sunday
So yesterday was a rough one. Sunday is usually a day I look forward to all week, namely because it is a day that involves two great things: church and relaxing. But yesterday. It hit me.
Upon moving to Tulsa, I had originally planned on returning to Stillwater on a weekly basis to continue attending church at Countryside, a place that definitely has my heart as far as churches go. Countryside is a place is where the Word of God is taught without reservation and where people love without hesitation. There is a lot of sentimental value for me with that church, specifically because it is the first place that I truly grew as a believer and learned what it really means to be a disciple, to love and thrive on the study of Scripture, and to serve out of love instead of fear. I believe that I will always love Countryside. It represents a time for me when the Lord did miraculous things in my life. I hope to someday be able to call it home again.
Back to yesterday. I decided that in the best interest of my emotional stability and adjusting to living in Tulsa, it probably wasn’t the best idea to go to Stillwater every week. So, last week, I visited for the first time at a church here in Tulsa. It is a church that JB (pastor at Countryside) recommended and where a good friend from Tulsa has attended for some time. It is a place that uses expository teaching to proclaim the grace message of salvation, is mission oriented, and is known for having good fellowship. Sounds like a great fit! So last week I liked it alright, but I wasn’t sold. This week, it honestly seemed worse. The Sunday school I attended was awkward and shallow and the teaching and worship both left a lot to be desired. Disclaimer: I am not by any means trying to bash this church…just because it might not work for me doesn’t mean that it isn’t good or isn’t doing great things.
As I sat in that service, I had the hardest time trying to not compare it to Countryside, which I realize just isn’t fair. I know that I have to accept that no church will be Countryside, unless I just go there, which isn’t going to work. I guess the point is just that I am having a hard time. I know there are other churches to try and it will get better being here, but it is just hard, when I had feel like I had just begun to get settled in and loving the body in Stillwater. I miss it so much my heart literally aches. Many times I want nothing more than to be back in Stillwater, at Countryside and with the people I love so dearly, but I must remind myself that the Lord is sovereign and has a reason for this time.
He is the prize.
Regardless of where I am.
Or who I am with.
Or what church I go to.
Or how I feel.
He is the ultimate reason and reward.
Upon moving to Tulsa, I had originally planned on returning to Stillwater on a weekly basis to continue attending church at Countryside, a place that definitely has my heart as far as churches go. Countryside is a place is where the Word of God is taught without reservation and where people love without hesitation. There is a lot of sentimental value for me with that church, specifically because it is the first place that I truly grew as a believer and learned what it really means to be a disciple, to love and thrive on the study of Scripture, and to serve out of love instead of fear. I believe that I will always love Countryside. It represents a time for me when the Lord did miraculous things in my life. I hope to someday be able to call it home again.
Back to yesterday. I decided that in the best interest of my emotional stability and adjusting to living in Tulsa, it probably wasn’t the best idea to go to Stillwater every week. So, last week, I visited for the first time at a church here in Tulsa. It is a church that JB (pastor at Countryside) recommended and where a good friend from Tulsa has attended for some time. It is a place that uses expository teaching to proclaim the grace message of salvation, is mission oriented, and is known for having good fellowship. Sounds like a great fit! So last week I liked it alright, but I wasn’t sold. This week, it honestly seemed worse. The Sunday school I attended was awkward and shallow and the teaching and worship both left a lot to be desired. Disclaimer: I am not by any means trying to bash this church…just because it might not work for me doesn’t mean that it isn’t good or isn’t doing great things.
As I sat in that service, I had the hardest time trying to not compare it to Countryside, which I realize just isn’t fair. I know that I have to accept that no church will be Countryside, unless I just go there, which isn’t going to work. I guess the point is just that I am having a hard time. I know there are other churches to try and it will get better being here, but it is just hard, when I had feel like I had just begun to get settled in and loving the body in Stillwater. I miss it so much my heart literally aches. Many times I want nothing more than to be back in Stillwater, at Countryside and with the people I love so dearly, but I must remind myself that the Lord is sovereign and has a reason for this time.
He is the prize.
Regardless of where I am.
Or who I am with.
Or what church I go to.
Or how I feel.
He is the ultimate reason and reward.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Change
So I graduated. And I moved to Tulsa. Goodbye to the college life and hello real world. Goodbye Stillwater- the town that found a special place in my heart and became home. I wasn’t ready to go, but I have to remind myself that the Lord knows best. I have been in Tulsa now for about a week, and it honestly took a couple of days to actually sink in that I really did move…that this really is happening. At this point I truly don’t know what Tulsa and this season holds for me. Well, I know it holds a first year of teaching kindergartners which promises to be challenging. It holds new experiences, new schedules, new people, a new church, and probably a lot more “new-ness.” At this point, I am also not in love with Tulsa. I like it, yes, I already knew that. But love it? Not quite. Yet I must remember that I didn’t immediately love Stillwater either. Right now, this is change. Uncertainty. Discomfort.
Comfort. Now that’s a topic. A few months ago, a good friend said to me, “Caitlin, you are way too young to be comfortable.” She is so right. There is so much more change and life ahead. I have this tendency to get stuck… to people, places, ideas, desires. And while I know that this is not a great or healthy thing, my flesh is so weak and falls into this time and time again. I get comfortable with something and don’t want to change it at all. Anyway, if I search for roots of this, I think it goes back to the desire I have to be settled. Honestly, I want to be in a place and know that its home… that it is where I will be…that I won’t always be waiting for the next however many years to finish so I can up and move again. I don’t know…Tulsa could be that place, but it might not be.
Here is the bottom line, I think that in all of these feelings, I think I need to learn to be so comfortable with who I am in Christ that my physical location is less important. So, that is comfort in who I am, not where I am or who I am with. Isn’t that the point after all? To find security in Christ and not anything else? Lord, grant me that I may be “ok” regardless of circumstance. Let me deeply know that Your plan is to use me where I am, not where I want to be.
So, this is only the start of a new season. As it begins, there are concerns and things to look forward to. My hope is that I will give myself over completely to the Lord. That my fears or imperfections wouldn't hinder the good things that are to come. Do with me what you will, God.
Comfort. Now that’s a topic. A few months ago, a good friend said to me, “Caitlin, you are way too young to be comfortable.” She is so right. There is so much more change and life ahead. I have this tendency to get stuck… to people, places, ideas, desires. And while I know that this is not a great or healthy thing, my flesh is so weak and falls into this time and time again. I get comfortable with something and don’t want to change it at all. Anyway, if I search for roots of this, I think it goes back to the desire I have to be settled. Honestly, I want to be in a place and know that its home… that it is where I will be…that I won’t always be waiting for the next however many years to finish so I can up and move again. I don’t know…Tulsa could be that place, but it might not be.
Here is the bottom line, I think that in all of these feelings, I think I need to learn to be so comfortable with who I am in Christ that my physical location is less important. So, that is comfort in who I am, not where I am or who I am with. Isn’t that the point after all? To find security in Christ and not anything else? Lord, grant me that I may be “ok” regardless of circumstance. Let me deeply know that Your plan is to use me where I am, not where I want to be.
So, this is only the start of a new season. As it begins, there are concerns and things to look forward to. My hope is that I will give myself over completely to the Lord. That my fears or imperfections wouldn't hinder the good things that are to come. Do with me what you will, God.
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