Tomorrow it begins

Well last week I went to meetings and worked more in my classroom. As the week progressed, I started realizing that this really is happening...all of the plans I had written out needed details. I needed the materials ready. I needed to get the books I planned on reading my little ones. I slowly but surely got it all together, and I think I am ready. Yes, I'm somewhat nervous. But then I remind myself that I have been in a classroom for the last year. I have been waiting to do this and been training to do this for years. I KNOW what to do. Now I must do it. Granted, this may be more difficult than other schools I have been in, considering the demographic and location of my school. But thus far, I truly love it.


So here I sit less than twelve hours until I see those precious little faces.
The faces of children who have never been to school.
Who don't know much beyond their front doors.
Who need to be put on a path to success.
The faces of children who need someone to care.
Someone to show them that they can do or be anything.
Someone to look them in the eye and show them that they matter.

I sit here tonight thinking about the opportunity I have to make a difference in the lives of the 29 children whose names I just found on my online roster. They are mine for only one year. They are mine to watch grow. To teach. To nurture. To love. I love them so much and I haven't even met them. Lord, let me be a light and make an impact. I have been put right where I am because of your sovereign plan.

To any of you reading this, pray. Please. Pray for me, that I would be the best teacher I know how to be. That I would not be a hot mess as I embark on this endeavor. But, mostly, pray for my children. That they would come in ready for school and all the new things I will be throwing their way. That they would be well behaved (for my sake!!). And that they would be responsive to me in a way that changes the trajectory of their life.

That's all :)

still trying to get it

It has been an insane week. I saw my classroom for the first time on Monday. Yes, MY classroom. Oh my gosh, I'm really a teacher, with my own classroom and up to thirty 5 year-olds in my care in just a week. Dang. This has happened so fast. I mean, I do feel like I was in college forever... I guess four years can feel like forever, but all of a sudden here I am. About to embark on this new journey in my life called being a teacher. It's good. It really is. My classroom is big and I have almost everything I need. I can't wait to see their smiling (and some crying) little faces in a week. I spent all week working on the room, trying to remember everything I have learned. I want it to be so perfect...what a joke! So the week was crazy busy, but in a good way.

In the midst of preparing to teach, my heart is still in such a weird place, and maybe it will be for a while. I don't know. I miss Stillwater so much. I miss people. I miss familiarity. I keep trying to find things I like about Tulsa, to find things that make it seem like home. But it's not. I know, I know... I've only been here three weeks, but I guess this summer was just so crazy that I didn't really have time to consider what being here would look like. I wasn't ready for these emotions again. I hate them to be quite honest. I'm still trying to figure out what it means to not live based on my feelings (that are often irrational) and to let the Lord be my everything instead of needing location or people to make me feel "ok." I want to want Him most. Lord, help we want you most. Help me only need you.

Change

So I graduated. And I moved to Tulsa. Goodbye to the college life and hello real world. Goodbye Stillwater- the town that found a special place in my heart and became home. I wasn’t ready to go, but I have to remind myself that the Lord knows best. I have been in Tulsa now for about a week, and it honestly took a couple of days to actually sink in that I really did move…that this really is happening. At this point I truly don’t know what Tulsa and this season holds for me. Well, I know it holds a first year of teaching kindergartners which promises to be challenging. It holds new experiences, new schedules, new people, a new church, and probably a lot more “new-ness.” At this point, I am also not in love with Tulsa. I like it, yes, I already knew that. But love it? Not quite. Yet I must remember that I didn’t immediately love Stillwater either. Right now, this is change. Uncertainty. Discomfort.

Comfort. Now that’s a topic. A few months ago, a good friend said to me, “Caitlin, you are way too young to be comfortable.” She is so right. There is so much more change and life ahead. I have this tendency to get stuck… to people, places, ideas, desires. And while I know that this is not a great or healthy thing, my flesh is so weak and falls into this time and time again. I get comfortable with something and don’t want to change it at all. Anyway, if I search for roots of this, I think it goes back to the desire I have to be settled. Honestly, I want to be in a place and know that its home… that it is where I will be…that I won’t always be waiting for the next however many years to finish so I can up and move again. I don’t know…Tulsa could be that place, but it might not be.

Here is the bottom line, I think that in all of these feelings, I think I need to learn to be so comfortable with who I am in Christ that my physical location is less important. So, that is comfort in who I am, not where I am or who I am with. Isn’t that the point after all? To find security in Christ and not anything else? Lord, grant me that I may be “ok” regardless of circumstance. Let me deeply know that Your plan is to use me where I am, not where I want to be.

So, this is only the start of a new season. As it begins, there are concerns and things to look forward to. My hope is that I will give myself over completely to the Lord. That my fears or imperfections wouldn't hinder the good things that are to come. Do with me what you will, God.

Here goes...

Well, here goes...something. I don't really have some amazing reason for starting a blog, except that I enjoy reading other people's blogs. We'll see where it goes. To those of you who may ever come across this, pardon my randomness. This could end up a space where my thoughts and ideas about life are sorted out in written form. So, bear with me if you choose. In the meantime, I pray you are well, wherever you are, and that the Lord of all creation is revealing Himself to you like never before.