This past weekend was so relaxing. I spent my time with friends doing absolutely nothing productive. And it was fabulous. I got several great books from dear people that I cannot wait to jump into. Much needed.

Then, Monday morning. Reality check.

It was just one of those days when all I could think was, "I just don't want to do this. Too much pressure. Too draining." I felt utterly helpless and as if this is just not what I was meant to do. Don't get me wrong, I know that the Lord has a plan and a reason for this season, but right now, I'm not willing to even pretend that I kind of like it. I don't. This is so much harder than I ever dreamed.

I am completely overwhelmed with all of the expectations for what I should be teaching and accomplishing with these children. I don't feel like there is enough time in the day to get through everything, especially with how much time is wasted by trying to get them to behave appropriately. Today we started a new management system, which I am hoping will help.

Anyway, I don't have any great, inspiring words to leave tonight. I'm just overwhelmed. And sick of this.

Week 4 of teaching recap

It has been a while. My apologies. As far as teaching goes, we have completed four weeks. I am sad to say that we have not learned nearly as much as I had dreamed and planned for. But, I can tell you that I am surviving, and all 33 of my students are still alive. Some days this week, I wasn't sure how they all made it out without injuries. I am still at a point where I don't know what to do or say to get them to behave or listen to me. I have tried being nice. I have tried being mean. All to no avail. I am told, "Well, they don't know your expectations. Be explicit." Ok, I will do that (as if I'm not already). I don't know another way to say "Keep your hands and feet to yourself. Do not touch anyone. Fold your eagle wings. Put your hands in your lap. Etc..." Somehow, in those little 5 year old minds, that all translates to poking, pushing, pulling, slapping, hitting, shoving, tackling, choking, tripping, and kicking. REALLY?! It really is mind boggling to me. Enough venting.

On a brighter note, this past week really was great. Monday was awful. Tuesday, better. Wednesday, one of the best we have had. Thursday, took a couple steps backwards. Friday, another step forward. I mean, 2 good days in one week = spectacular!! The new kindergarten teacher FINALLY arrived on Friday (not her fault), and she worked in her room all day. She will finish preparing on Monday and take students on Tuesday this coming week. I swear when I saw her in the hallway Friday morning, she was like a beam of light. Totally kidding, but seriously. With fewer students in my class, I am really looking forward to getting some structures into place that will truly allow significant learning to happen. They can do it, and they need to in the most desperate way.

For now, please pray that fewer students in the room really does improve the management and class culture in such a way that we can start learning the things we need to learn to meet our semester goals. As wild as these children are, they really are precious. The more I get to know each of them as an individual, I love them more. They have such big stories, big personalities, and huge potential. I will leave you with a story that warmed my heart, yet gave my chills as I left school for the weekend. (We will call this student ID to protect his identity)



After singing our Friday song, ID: I did a good job today, huh, teacher?
Me: Yes, ID, you did much better today!
ID: Tomorrow I will earn orange. ** orange is the best color a child can get on my behavior plan. And yes, that is on purpose- go pokes :)
Me: Well, ID, we won't be at school tomorrow.... (I proceed to explain that on Saturday and Sunday, we stay at home). On Monday, we will all come back to school.
ID: I don't like to go home. I love school. Can we just stay at school?

My thoughts: He loves school. By the grace of God, I have done something right. He wants to be here. But even more, WHY doesn't he want to go home? Beating. Little food.

I'm begging you: PRAY.

Why am I a teacher?

So today was absolutely awful at school. I now have 31 children in my class with 2 special education children coming in 90 minutes a day. These children seriously do not listen to a word I say. I say sit down and they choose to run around the room. I tell them to turn their voices off and they start screaming. AM I SPEAKING ANOTHER LANGUAGE!?! I just do not get it. They are absolutely wild. We are in the middle of week 3 and we still cannot walk down the hall quietly. I have honestly tried everything I know. Any management tactics I have learned or used in the past do not work with these children. They are so defiant. So disrespectful. It is unbelievable. If another teacher walks in the room and tells them what to do, they just do it. Doesn't matter that I have been saying the same thing for 10 minutes. I mean really, I have no clue what to do with them.

Supposedly we are getting another kindergarten teacher, but we are waiting on the paperwork to go through with the district before she can start. My principal says hopefully by next week that will be in place. Then I would only have 20 kids plus the two extra. I think that will help. It better. Because at this point, I am questioning so many things. Why did I choose teaching? This is not what I had in mind. I would seriously give anything to be teaching in a school where the children are better behaved and actually care. I mean really, I don't want to be one of those people that wakes up every day and dreads going to work. I want to love what I do, and in the past, I have totally loved teaching. But right now, I'm not getting to teach. All I am doing is trying to get them to listen to me for 5 seconds and not kill each other.

Lord, please give me patience with these children as they learn how to behave. Give me the words to speak to them so that they understand what to do and why. Be with each child, calming their spirits that are assuredly shaken by the things they must endure in this life. Let my classroom be a safe haven in their lives. I ask that the new teacher arrives soon, and not only for my sanity but also for the sake of learning being able to finally happen. Help me wake up each morning with a fresh attitude, ready to start a new day-- knowing it can be better than the previous one. Help me to love those kids more than myself, whatever that may look like. --Amen.

declaring war

on what I have never beat by being nice to it.
on insecurity.

I no longer want to be defined by it.
I'm sick of fear.
and worry
and disappointment.

These things are in ways just part of life, I know. But definition of life and self needs to be found in one place- Christ. I am learning that God won't relent until He has it all. ALL of my heart. ALL of my life. It is time that I quit living like He can't handle it. Because GOD ALONE is capable of doing in my life what I cannot.

I struggle because I truly do love to know everything that is going to happen...a sense of control and certainty I have over a situation. I like knowing how people will act in situations and being able to figure it all out. Yet at the same time, I consistently worry about those things...what will happen or who will think what. When will my heart realize that God is in control. It eats away at the soul. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having ridiculously high expectations that literally nobody can meet, and then being disappointed because people didn't meet the standards that they didn't know were there in the first place. How ridiculous! Yet in the same way, even when expectations are reasonable and unmet, I shouldn't be basing how I feel on others!

So I get to thinking of something I'm learning about in a Beth Moore study (love her). Anyways, Hannah gives birth to Samuel, nurses him, and then gives him to be raised and trained by Eli, the priest, as she had promised to God. Eli's other two sons are absolutely horrific and the furthest from good examples as they could be. Yet, Samuel fervently seeks and serves the Lord, even as a young boy. So shouldn't I, even when I am let down or disappointed in others, continue faithfully regardless? I think so.

Thank you Lord for the encouragement of a young child with a heart for you. Let me learn that you are it. It is all about you and giving you all of me....

Let's go, week 2!

Week 1 down. 175 days left of school. Just kidding, I'm not really counting down yet. Week one flew by and here I am ready to start week 2. It MUST be better than last week. All week, we worked on procedures... how to line up, walk down the hall, take a bathroom break, go to lunch, etc. It seems, however, that these little five year olds are still having trouble grasping many of the things that to me seem so simple. Last week, they were pretty awful, especially Friday. I felt like all I did was yell to get their attention. They just would not listen or get quiet. I absolutely do not want my whole year to look like that.

I have high hopes for this week. We will continue to practice our procedures. I am going to try to give a ton more Genius Gems (my rewards system) to reinforce positive behavior. I am going to try to be better at noting and using which communication style works best for each child. We are going to begin phonics and reading curriculum. Maybe having more things actually going on will help their behavior and attention. I am praying that the two parents I visited with have helped get their children on board to behave better. This week WILL be an improvement from last. I am determined.

You know, these children live rougher lives than I could ever imagine. I know for a fact that at least two and maybe three of my students lost their mothers this summer. Many of them do not get to eat at home. Many of them only eat junk from convenience stores. Many of them are beaten on a frequent basis. Where they live, someone dies almost every night. Some of them have likely seen it happen.
I cannot fathom the pain.
The confusion.
The fear.
The absolute and complete emotional turmoil.

Why the innocent children? They were born into their current situation. They cannot leave it right now. They are helpless. Certainly many will be sucked into the same lifestyle they witness in older siblings and parents. And certainly, they can overcome. But right now, they are babies. Babies that are in a horrific place. Yet within my reach.

I have to remember that the firm enforcement of guidelines is something that these children are desperate for. The need some kind of stability. Something and someone they can count on to be constant. Lord, let me be that for them. Help me to remain patient and remember that they are 5 and 6 years old. They need consistency. They need a schedule. They need direction. Lord, they need love. Oh, that I might be your love in their life!

Whoa soapbox. :) Ok, here we go week 2....

What just happened??

O.M.G.

First day of school was quite the experience. I had 25 kids in my class today, a number that will likely increase as the week progresses. Let me be real for a second here. I don't know what to do with that many children and no TA. They were absolutely insane all day long. There was not a moment when they were all doing as I asked. No moments of cooperation. No moments of silence. I felt like all day long I only did crowd control. Trying to make sure nothing terrible happened. They were so loud and I felt like I had to raise my voice more than I would ever have liked to be able to get their attention. I mean, my throat is sore for crying out loud.

Today, I seriously thought to myself, "No wonder so many teachers move to high-income areas and high performing schools. This is too hard." I began to question if I really wanted to do this. That is awful. I do want this. I know these children need everything I have to offer them, but I have got to find a way to get them in line before any learning can take place. They will have to be quiet at times. They will have to listen. I just need to figure out how to make that happen.

Ok, so let's throw in some positive to keep me going for another day.
1. nobody tore anything up
2. nobody got sick
3. nobody got lost
4. nobody cursed at me (seriously, that is a gain)
5. nobody got hurt
6. we read 2 books
7. we sang 3 songs (and danced, duh!)
8. we learned how to walk in the hall (kind of!)
9. I didn't cry
10.THEY ARE PRECIOUS- see photo below. Even in all the craziness, children make me smile.

Tomorrow it begins

Well last week I went to meetings and worked more in my classroom. As the week progressed, I started realizing that this really is happening...all of the plans I had written out needed details. I needed the materials ready. I needed to get the books I planned on reading my little ones. I slowly but surely got it all together, and I think I am ready. Yes, I'm somewhat nervous. But then I remind myself that I have been in a classroom for the last year. I have been waiting to do this and been training to do this for years. I KNOW what to do. Now I must do it. Granted, this may be more difficult than other schools I have been in, considering the demographic and location of my school. But thus far, I truly love it.


So here I sit less than twelve hours until I see those precious little faces.
The faces of children who have never been to school.
Who don't know much beyond their front doors.
Who need to be put on a path to success.
The faces of children who need someone to care.
Someone to show them that they can do or be anything.
Someone to look them in the eye and show them that they matter.

I sit here tonight thinking about the opportunity I have to make a difference in the lives of the 29 children whose names I just found on my online roster. They are mine for only one year. They are mine to watch grow. To teach. To nurture. To love. I love them so much and I haven't even met them. Lord, let me be a light and make an impact. I have been put right where I am because of your sovereign plan.

To any of you reading this, pray. Please. Pray for me, that I would be the best teacher I know how to be. That I would not be a hot mess as I embark on this endeavor. But, mostly, pray for my children. That they would come in ready for school and all the new things I will be throwing their way. That they would be well behaved (for my sake!!). And that they would be responsive to me in a way that changes the trajectory of their life.

That's all :)